Just A Girl

i almost dont even want to do this. i want to keep everything bottled up inside so i just keep hurting. at least it wil keep me motivated to lose weight. but i need to tell someone. and no doubt noone will read this, but i just need to type. typing burns calories.
So my best friend is no longer my best friend. he wont even talk to me, when he does he makes everything so awkward. it hurts so much because i can deal with what happend between us and i can move on. but i guess thats a skill most people dont have. my other best friend barely talks to me. its worse with her because she has no idea shes ignoring me so much. i fucking hate her boyfriend so much. he keeps taking up all her time. hes such a dick. i wish she could see it. and then theres the third, i know she wont be too hard to win back but on top of everything right now im not in the mood to deal with her immature shit. so i lost your shoe. i already bought you another pair. your so stupid to go off at me. you knew id fix it. you know what type of friend i am.
but mainly the problem is this. my friend who i spend most of my time with. i introduced her to my best friend, and his friends. and then her sister too the group too. and now her sister is dating one of his friends. two of the boys dont see anyone anymore because they are playing couple time with my friends sister and her friend who is the most irritating person on the planet. point is, ive been completely shut out. my friends hardly speak to me. dont invite me places. basically, they arent my friends anymore. they are hers.
and now ive lost.
ive got nothing.
i just want to cry. but i cant.
so now all i have left to do is do some drugs and dance. i know drugs are bad. but at least they arent as fattening as alcohol. and hey if im lucky ill die.
time to focus. 100lbs 45kgs 34'24'34

im gonna be a supermodel

i hate
my life

i hate
being fat

i hate
my face

i hate
my hands

i hate
not being happy

i hate
myself

i hate
hating myself.

ok. so ive decided not to have any short term or half way goals or whatever.
because when i reach my goal i get to cocky. n i think meh im fine. and i eat like a fucking pig.
so no more goals for me. just my ultimate. until i weigh less than 45kgs. fuck you all. 

 i dont know if anyone ever reads these
but meh. i need to write this down.

im balling right now. because there is so much i want to do with my life. but i cant be botherd to make the effort to get there.
i need to go to uni to get a decent job. but i cant do the work. i dont care about western images of asia. i dont give a fuck about neuroanatomy. and i certainly dont care how high chicago's crime rate is.
all i want is to be skinny.
nothing in the world matters to me except that.
seeing the number on the scale go down every day is the only thing keeping me alive.
i just want to be like everyone else. thin and happy.

happy and thin
beautiful and thin
perfect and thin

perfect.

weirdest emotion right now
i think my heart just broke. but im happy at the same time.
story: when i broke up with my ex he told me he would never love anyone again. and i guess i sorta believed him cuz hes a stubborn shit. i told him he would n that was a stupid thing to say because you cant control who you love. it just happens. n yeah. its been a year now. so i decided to see how it was going n if i won that argument. n he pretty much indirectly told me i did. so im crying now.
its stupid becuase the way i love people is forever. i dont want to be with him anymore. i just love him. hes an amazing person n deserves that from me. and i dont know if he still loves me but i hope he does. hes still so sweet. tells me i look beautiful when i look my worst. when i feel my worst. this sucks.

i thought i better post them.
meh

height: 5'9
weight: 64kgs (140lbs)
hw: 73kgs (160lbs)
lw: 60kgs (132lbs)
gw: 54kgs (118lbs)

ultimite weight: 45kgs (99lbs)

done and done

think i can do it? YES

i want to cry
but i cant
i feel so horrible right now
its my brothers birthday tomorrow and i made him a cake. but i wont eat any.
i just realised that every single boy id consider dating right now is whipped on a girl whos (you guessed it) skinny.
even though their face looks like road kill it doesnt matter. they are skinny, so they get the best life and everyone loves them.
im going to go on a hard out fast now.
no calories at all
nothing
at least for one day.
ill see how i go.
if i make it through one day the next few should be easier.

fuck i hate myself.

i want to wake up like this.

 

i feeel really fatttttttttt
im getting fatter by the second. nd i know everyone can see it.
fuck im discusting.

OH OH OH

and i fucking hate you luke anderson. your the worst thing that ever happend to her. shes my best friend. and youve fucked her life. fuck you. seriously. the worst part is, you dont even care. it all means nothing to you.


i dont know what to do today. i think ill walk my dog. and if go out at all ill buy some hair dye and do that tonight. i cant go out, half because i everyone will be clubbing and i cant get in, and half because if i do ill drinlk, and alcohol is sooooo fattening unless you yack (and still). and i cant throw up. hence why im not bulimic.

hating mysleffff
xx

Im not exactly a blogger. so be easy cuz its my first time.

pretty much this is me k.
for the last 4 years ive hated myself. hated what i look like. and have been trying to change. I think ive tried every diet, every exersize, every pill n nothing works. Im kicking myself i didnt jst stop eating in the first place. it seems really simple now.
So far i havnt eaten in 6 days. I feel great! dont feel hungry, but i do feel like im getting bigger.. is that normal or am i just retarded?

i really dont want to talk about this with my friends at home so if anyone wants to be my friend that i can share my success with (if i have any, which i probs wont but meh) yeah please just say hi. im not scary i think...

k bye
love soph

p.s. this is what i aim to be. my idols. my inspiration.
xox